I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
