I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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