Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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