Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I will pee on everything he values.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
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