I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
