This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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