i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
