I need to stop coming to work sober
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
