Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
