I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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