You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
