I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize