Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
