Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
