I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
