I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Randomize
