If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
