also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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