I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
