so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
