Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
