those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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