If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I seem to have left my pride at pride
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
