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He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
