PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
