It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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