I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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