you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
