I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
