i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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