But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
