I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
