Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
