If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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