i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
