I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
