Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
As shirtless as possible
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
