so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
