the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize