the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
