Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize