my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
