I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
