Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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