Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
