i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
