Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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