I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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