Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
