I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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