She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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