Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize