I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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