Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
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