Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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