Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
A bitchslap is in order.
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