Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My nipple is on Facebook.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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