did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize