Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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