Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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