so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
